back to reality...

Jake came home after PT this morning which never happens since we live about 35 mins from post. He had forgotten his bag that had his ACUs in it and had to come home to shower and change. I was excited to see him home, not knowing exactly why he was here, until he told me they got the date for deployment. Almost 2 weeks sooner than expected my husband will be gone. Hearing that felt like getting punched in the stomach. This is really happening isn't it? I can no longer go back to pretending that it isn't, it's all too real now. This wasn't supposed to be our last weekend together... but as with everything else in the army things always change, and generally for the worse so I should have just expected this.

denial...

My husband was on the phone with his mother last night and they were discussing his upcoming deployment. He made a comment to her that he can't believe how well I'm doing right now considering he is leaving in a couple short weeks. What he fails to realize is that I'm in complete denial of the fact that he is leaving once again for a year. It's either pretend this isn't happening and then finally deal with it when it does or continuously think about the next year and be completely devastated. Another year without my best friend, without being able to pick up a phone and talk to him about my day. Another year of worrying about whether or not he's okay, and not being able to sleep because of it. No good-night or good-morning kisses, no one sitting across from me at the dinner table... People ask me all the time how I do it, and honestly I don't have a clue. I do it because well, what other choice do I have? Spend a year with him and then a year without him or not have him at all... To me it was a no brainer, the little bit of time I do get to spend with him is worth all the time we spend apart, and while this military life/marriage isn't ideal I would do it all over again in a heart beat.